.. New Year Thoughts ..

" HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011"
- Terima Kasih Tuhan kerna saya masih lagi di beri kesempatan untuk tinggal di Dunia ini..bernafas dan bersama2 dengan orang2 yang saya cintai.. -

rasa2 macam da setahun tak update..haa..padahal baru beberapa hari je..
New Year..New Day..New Life & New Hope..
4 perkataan yang kerap kali muncul dalam kepala..

Maknanya usia bertambah setahun lagi..pengalaman hidup juga semakin bertambah..dan untuk pertama kali nya saya terfikir tentang kehidupan saya selepas ini...kebahagiaan juga matlamat hidup...terfikir untuk menamatkan cara hidup saya sebelum ini.. dalam menuju usia matang (26 thn tu dah kira matang ke?? ) ada satu benda yg mengusik hati nurani saya.. benda yang selama ini saya simpan dan elak.. kekadang rasa diri macam lucu..hahha..! tapi yang pasti hal ini semakin kuat berpaut pada luluh hati...OMG!! i think im getting matured already..hahahhah!

Tapi pada masa yang sama ketakutan itu mendahului segalanya..mengatasi segala keberanian yang selama ini saya pegang berabis...takut jika semua angan2 saya hancur dan pergi begitu sahaja..kerna sudah saya tetapkan angan2 ini adalah yang terakhir..biar macam mana sekali pun susah saya akan tetap berusaha..itu janji saya pada saat 2011 melabuh kan tirainya...

Orang2 sekitar asyik meluahkan azam2 baru mereka padahal benda itu sudah mereka jadi kan azam tahun lepas..saya juga begitu tahun2 lepas cuma pada tahun ini saya hanya ingin jadi diri saya yang sebenarnya..saya penat jadi hipokrit, Ego & Sombong pada diri sendiri...biar la pada tahun ini saya biarkan MASA membantu saya..bukan malas cuma saya penat untuk jadi seperti orang lain...

Huh..! titik airmata pertama untuk 2011 mengalir lagi.. yang pastinya saya rasa takut sangat..! kamu pasti tau apa yang saya maksudkan..saya takut kehilangan Si Dia...sejujurnya, Dia mempengaruhi 80% mood saya tahun ini...dan kalau boleh saya tidak mau kehilangan walau 1% pun.. Dia saya sudah kunci dengan kuat dalam hati...kalau pun nanti saya terpaksa buka balik biarla pada saat itu hati saya 100% rela..kerna saya tahu selepas ini hati saya akan jadi macam mana..

Memang susah mo percaya kalau saya bilang ' Saya mahu dia jadi sebahagian dari hidup saya selamanya ' - i want him to be the first one i saw every morning and the last one every nite...
saya mau dia jadi orang pertama yang saya bisa kongsi segala kesedihan dan kegembiraan saya... because i miss the way he talk to me... Honestly, i miss his Voice.. Everything lar..!!

i welcoming the New Year with Him..do you know how i feel?? im really2 happy..macam tia mo balik jak time tu..kalau boleh mau stay trus dengan dia.. i miss the 2 days together with him and his family..

Hubby,

As u know you're the most priority in my heart now..

i hope u know that..

no one can change the fact that im in love with you..

i accept all yours as the new years come..

im trully hoping that theres a miracle for us this years..

more happiness and love..

more patient and caring..

but the most things that i wish is i hope there is more trust between us..

i dont know what bothering you most but i do hope that its won't distrub us..

you're everything in my life now..

the most important 'THINGS' i wanna have..

Hubby,

im afraid to says ' YOU'RE MINE '

but i wish that you are tottaly mine..

i dunno how to express my feels actually..

but to tell you the truth that IM TRULLY IN LOVE WIT U!!

i know i already told you dis b4..

I LOVE U DAMN MUCH!!

no one can change you in me now..

i just hope something precious happen to my life this years...! thats what keep pop-in my mind..
i will do everything..sacrifice what i have even i have to cry a lot..i dont care anymore coz im serious this time..

God,

i let all my dreams to you..

help me this time..

i need an extra strenght so i can fight any bad things that distrub my plan..

i Love him and want him to be mine..

i need your help on that...

Thanks again for everything that you've plan for my life..

im happy and really thankful..

enough for today!! will update later..2011 will be mo challenging for me..and i will share it here..
everything..! the happy and sad moments..the laughter and the tears.. the smile and the hope..
and the most important is the LOVE and the DREAMS..


P/S : i miss u Hubby.. im thinking of you from the first entry till the end of this post..every moment is YOU!!..

~ 2010 SUMMARY ~

its 2.30am...my eyes dont want to close..still fresh!! ni la ni penyebab red eyes kali kan...hee..

this would be my last post on this years...i post it early coz i know i would been busy on 31st Dec..hee..

2010 - mY toughest year..teach me a lot of things..i think i know how life is in this years..i got so many feeling..pain , Down , Lost , & happy with love...

My early years was really tough & hard..i feel the pain and its hurt me most...Break-Up really makes me down..im lost...dunno what to do..i become the hater...i become EMO.. i get drunk just to make all that pain go...and for the 1st time also i can drink beer that much..its feels like i just drinks a juice..crazy rite...Honestly, the break-up really effect my life..i started to hate myself...i feel like wanna be someone else...

im hopeless for almost 7 month..all i thinks is my past...i always say im moving on but still i pretend about it..and for the 1st time i feel the pain of break-up...and its haunted me for almost a years start end of 2009...

Huh! thats life..not all our dreams will come true...and i believe that theres always a reasons for all that..maybe God wanna let someone else come to our life which is better than ourselves.. Now he have someone else so do i..kekadang bila fikir balik semua kejadian yang berlaku terasa bersyukur juga lar walaupun kesakitan tu masih terasa...bersyukur kerna ia mengajar saya untuk memaafkan...menerima seseorang itu seadanya..kebaikan & keburukan...belajar menerima pandangan orang terhadap diri sendiri...that's the advantage i got from the Break-up..

Honestly i cant never forget everything..and i would not forgeting it..i'll keep all the memories & pain in the other side of my book stories...dan dengan rasminya saya menutup Buku itu..and i will keep it at some place that no one can reach..biarla semua yang terjadi menjadi rasiah antara saya, dia & Tuhan...All i can do is just pray for His happiness with his loves one..

This years also i got so many frens..i know a lot of different people...Thanks to all members of The Frontier Clubs ( sudah di bubarkan) & De' Nameless.. You all makes me who i am..knowing you all is a precious gift i ever got..for the 1st time also i got Friends that much..hang out with you all was my happy moment...you all teach me to be more confident, cheerfull and little bit talkactive even i know i still the silent one...hee... i really cant change that one...and in that one Group also i meet my Love one..hee...itu nanti la cerita...skijap lagi..hahaha..!

To Sharbby & Hatinreh...you know what 2010 is our 1st year aniversary..i wanna thanks both of them for still walking with me in my life...the one who i shared a lot of my secrets...the one who i shared all my pain...the one i shared all my happy moments...really thankfull to God coz He let me meet this two beautiful ladies and become my BFF..i love them like i love my family...they are my Sisters..! and it will be till the end of my life...thats my promise..!

Mei 2010 juga saya kena langkah bendul..hee..know wht its mean???..its mean my youngers sister get engaged early than me so mean i got FREE gold ring...and thats means people wont stop asking for me to find someone..its mean BOYFRIEND!!...hahahah...honestly, that time i never ever think about it..never cross my mind pun..so everytime they ask i just say " sabar bah, palan2..ndak lama juga ni..." hahaha..! ingat senang ka cari boyfriend...the break-up still haunted me that time...Mum also cant stop asking me to meet her friend's son..wakakkaka! im not that kind...i rather find it by myself than being arrange by others..i know what want..hee

Sept 2010 is my 2nd years with Zuma Engineering Sdn. Bhd..honestly i says i feel boring..i feel wanna Quit and find another jobs next year..the staff was awesome but i just dont like the jobs..i need something yang adventure skit...not just sit, pick up the phone and surfing internet..wasting time only...i'll move next year..when?? dunno yet but for sure i'll do that..need new environment for new year..hee

And the most important things that happen this years is meeting MR. RONALD...the one that catch my heart again..the one that open back my feels...the one that cheers back my mood but the good things that he do is He make me FALL IN LOVE again...at 20th September 2010 he says He Love me...and He officially become my Boyfriend..! what a life..! and i become happy again..i forgot my past...and i totally forgive my Ex..! and today we've been together for 3 month, 1 week & 2 days...still early but im serious with this relationship now..its different from the others..ans im really sure about this...even its not good hoping too much still i want to do it..coz i know im deeply in love with him...Hopefully it will be longer this time...coz i wanna be more serious than before..

New Year?? suddenly its catch my mind...new resolution?? i already have it..and i really wanna makes it happen this time...i just feel unpatient to meet 2011 even i feel little bit scared..hee...normal ma kan? hahahha..! i wish a big gift next year..more money!! hahhaa..! more healthy...i dont want to have that Red eyes again..panat eehh!! spoiling my mood only...and of kos more LOVE..especially to my Family and to you Si Hubby!!!..REMEMBER that you should love me as much as i am and plus your love to me..hee..cam na tu arr??? bingung!! hahhaa..! - One thing you should know is I LOVE U MORE everyday!!! i hope you too feel the same..God bless us till Death!! Amen!! - Im hoping for THE PLAN..

Apa2 pun.. Dengan rasminya pada jam 4.00am ini.. saya RAIN menutup segala cerita sedih , lucu & Gembira saya pada 2010...sila nantikan kemunculan saya pada Tahun Depan iaitu 2011..

" WISH YOU ALL HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011" - may that year bring you all More bless, more healthy, More Love & happiness to your LOVE ONES ( Family + BFF )

p/s : 31st i'll celebrate the countdown with Him & His family..1st meeting them..hee...nervous juga lar..just wait and see...will update tou you all later..!

..LIFE again..

i cry again!! hate it actually but at the same time i like it..:)

Sometimes i dont understand what life is...but for me life is when im with all of THEM!!..the one i love so much..but why some people didnt do as i am?? am i wrong??

Christmas this years was great..but i still dissapoint about something...till now i feel it was the silly things that someone ever do...why put your ego so high??? tidak boleh ka mengalah sekejap?? sampai bila benda tu akan selesai...nama saja lelaki..shett!! You makes my loved ones cry and i'll hate you as long as i want...i dont care anymore...!!

Still my christmas days didnt as perfect as i wish!!..why always problems comes when im happy?..thats why i scared laughing a lot coz i know after that tears will come..

Huh! im missing him again!! Si Hubby..!! just cry..huhu! i cant stand missing him every second..even i just finished talking to him at phone..macam tia puas..! seems something have'nt fulfill...God, help me...its hurt!! i cry when i missed him..i cry when im angry..i cry when im happy together with him...he is the most important now..help me to make him mine..i just cannot imagine my life without thingking of him...

I love U so much Si Hubby!!

.. Thinking Of You ..

im thinking of him.. most of the time..!! maybe its too much for you but i just cant stop thinking of him today..dunno why? im missing Him a lot thats the point... Argghhh!

Rasa bersalah sangat..haizz..! i dunno how is his feels last nite but i wanna say SORRY sangat2.. i know im wrong last nite...dunno y but suddenly no moods...thats why la i act nak tak nak ja time dia call...i feel so bad...! haizz..!

Miss Him !!! ( Shet..im drowning again...!!) - hard to breath!! God, please make me strong this time.. im scared!! really scared...haizzz..! why so moody today..?? ( I MISS HIM can u get it??!! )sakit sangat ni hati..i just dunno how to face it...

will meet him soon..but i feel that times pass so slow.. i just cant wait..huh! tia siok ni feels..kalau boleh i want to see him everyday! sakit jiwa tahan rindu.. for the first time i missed someone that much.. and for the first time also i feel scared facing New Year walaupun dalam masa yang sama ndak sabar.. dunno y..but im scared for walking there.. banyak benda yang ganggu kepala hotak sia time nie... But, at the same time hoping that nothing bad happen to me..especially US.. thats the things dat i scared so much.. Pa2 pun..i just wanna leave all this to God.. biar pa pun yg terjadi i hope that i can accept it...

i'll be missing him more on this christmas..! dah la x dapat celebrate sama2.. haizz!!

** I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HUBBY **

..Christmas Is Coming..

.. 2 more days and CHRISTMAS is coming..i was so excited!!! will taking leave from 24th to 31hb..hee... a long Holidays!! i dont care as long as i have a time for my family and myself too..

So sad coz i cant celebrate it with my Hubby... But, Its ok.. Next year still have for us..hee.. cant wait..

.. Tahun ini bagi peluang diri masing2 celebrate sendirian.. Freedom for doing anything as long as we know the limit.. Dalam masa 2 hari ni i hope that i can make myself calm... dunno what is that..but something keep bothering me..hati ndak senang... Huh..! Relax Rain...!! dont make its become your bigger worries that disturbing your Christmas Mood.. i let myself become the old one just for this time... Hopefully everything in control.. i just need to refresh back the smell of CHRISTMAS that i used to feel before...i miss it so much..!! and i dont want anything disturbing me eventhough it is about someone i love... kalau boleh i dont want to think about it for that day..its time for us to celebrate the day with our own way.. He is with his Way and im with mine.. its didnt mean anything actually its just becoz i already promise to myself that i wont disturbing Him that day.. coz i know when i think about it too much it will ruined my days.. Sorry to says that..!

.. i wanna let this anger go from myself..its hurt to keep it...i wanna says it but i know nothing gonna change it too.. i know He will do that too even i says i dont like.. so the good conclusion is just stay that way and change one by one... and as for me of course i get mad but i keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and i have to accept it.. coz i know next time everything gonna be as what i wish...as i says before..i wont forcing Him.. as long as He know that i dont like thats was enough for me...i wont change people... let He changed by himself.. itu lagi POWER..!

.. Huh..! Enough about him..! hee.. 25hb we'll celebrate the Family Days VS Christmas Days.. im so exicted..! i miss family gathering..eating too much..singing..laughing..playing a games and of course its time to Chit Chat with thems... WhoooOOoo!! im on a good moods now..hee.. Cant waitttt!!!...

.. Will not update for a fews days..hee.. will come back at the end of the year..posting my last post on 2010.. Summary for the whole year.. so wait for me ya..

So i wish you all :-

** MERRY CHRISTMAS 2010 & HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011**

- S!O!R!R!Y -

it's 1.o9am in the morning and its mean we've been together for 3 months 1 days..:)

Huh..! time flies so fast oo..i also never expected it..

now im listening Christian Bautista's Songs again.. and he is the one on my mind now..

Sometimes i've thingking.. Bagaimana Dia bisa bertahan melayan perangai sa selama ini??.. hee..

i think that sometimes im too much..! but still he stay with me..

i admit that im demanding..!

i am bad..i know it..i dunno how to treat him...i dunno how to show him that i cared...

but to tell you Hubby..

"..no matter what i say or do its all becoz i cared too much on you..

sometimes i feel angry whenever you say ' Saya meginum' .. honestly, im not stoping you from that but i just cant stop my feelings.. i dunno how to act cool for something i dont like.. So sorry for that... i know i makes you feel down whenever we talked about this.. and im really sorry...its my fault..! i still remember our last conversation about this.. i know i make u sad..

Thats why i told my self not to force you again.. i want you to change becoz of yourself not becoz i want it..

i keep telling myself.. ' Rain, please back to the basic..' bukan kerana merajuk..but its becoz i dont want it burdening you, Hubby.. I love You and i want you to feel comfortable with me.. i'll let all this behind me as long as you're happy with me.. I only need it...nothing else..

"..we've been connected all this time by an invisible string attached, From your heart to mine we circled the obvious like satelites that roam around the earth.. No, im never gonna let you go.."

i dont care how is you..your behaviour.. you smoke or you get drunk.. i accept it..! i just have to be patient..coz i know someday you'll change..by yourself.. thats what i want.. i luv u damn much and i dont want this two things disturbing our day everyday.. i know you need your freedom too..thats why i've thingking this for quite long time... i just hope you know your limit and keeps my words.. ' jan asarok'.. i just need it..\(".")/

Sorry..! really sorry if i've hurt your feels through my action or words.. ! - I Love You and i Hope you to be the last one for me.."

Huh..! i just hope next year will bring more love, happiness and happy moment to us..thats why i cant wait for New Year...cant wait to see what God has ready for me..Cant wait to know what gift i'll received.. cant wait to face new challenge..cant wait to meet new people.. but i hope nothing can make my tears to come..even i know that no one know what would happen but i think im not ready for PAIN & TEARS in 2011.. I hope so...

Pa2 pun.. its time to take a nap..its been to late already...nanti lambat bangun lagi besok.. huh! mata pun mula meragam..! See you next Post! - LUV YA -