Monday, January 31, 2011

.. uUu..Boring La BaCa Ur StAtus..

...Cukup 10 hari tak post apa2 d blog..
.. hati tak tahan...
.. tak senang if tidak berblog..
walau camna pun paksa tetap tangan gatal mo menaip...
i realize that there's something that you have to tell others by writing..

sEtiap hari dengan Facebook..
tetau pa sebab..tapi tiap kali automatically ter'login..hahahha..!
CITYVILLE, FARMVILLE & MAFIA WARS terlalu mengoda..hee..

boringnya baca status yang sama setiap hari..
cuba says something yang boleh buat org berfikir..
ini tidak..asyik dengan kesedihan...
we know it from ur first status..
tak yah la dok ulang2...boring tau..!!
( Hee..actually benda ni tuju kan kepada diri sendiri..hahahha! )

Tapi mmg betul pun ada kengkawan yang asyik layan sedih..
then post kat FB yg lagaknya nak minta perhatian...
huh! penat tau baca...
terasa mau muntah..ble ka post something different everyday...??

Kira nak post benda ni kat Notes d FB..
Tapi biar la..karang ada yg terasa..
tambah lg lar sedih nampaknya..
hee...kat blog ni bukan suma pun dari FB baca...
( Hee..jahat juga rupanya mulut i ni..wakakakka! whatever!)
so, kalau korang terbaca lar Post ni..faham2 sendiri lar..
malas nak bagitau sepa ka org tu sebab i pun tergolong dalam kumpulan itu..
hahahhaha! saja jak nak sindir diri sendiri..
tapi if ada sesiapa yg terasa sori la yeee..
tak berniat pun..hee..
Bak kata orang..siapa makan lada dia terasa pedas nya...
Ok la..Gian menaip da d lepaskan..puasnya ati..hee..
Have a Nice day everyone..!


P/S: En. Ronald saya rindu kamu...(",) Cepat lar masa... x sabar nak jumpa..(^_*)

Friday, January 21, 2011

.. A ' words ' ..

..Ermm..maybe this will be my last entry...
i will not stop from blogging coz this is my life..
my bestfriend ever...
the only one who understand me most..
but i have to stay less here coz i love him so much...
i want to take care of his feelings...
i dont want every words that i says here will cause the argument..
i love this relationship..
and im really tired of any misunderstanding between us...

honestly, this is hards for me..
but nothing is impposible rite...
4 month already and its really tough for me...
i dont wanna be the quitter like last time..
i'll do anything if i have to..
even forgeting my interest.. i'll do it...
its not becoz i want him to please me..
but its becoz i wanna change too...

the time is coming..
i dont want to stay with my old life..
even how hard it is i will face it...

2011 is a challenge year for me..
i can feel it..
and im really hope that im stronger than before..
and i realize something that this years is different than last2 years..
i have new people in my life..
i have new hopes..
i have new priority..
i have new responsibility..

sometimes im asking myself..
" Why God didnt let me have this before"..
why now??...
its hard...i feel wanna quit sometimes...
but, there's something that help me to be strong...
this LOVE..
coz, i realize that this LOVE is different..

im thinking alot since that day...
my fault..and im really dissapointed with myself...
"God, Help me...
i need strenght rite now...
please let me stay...
i dunno who should i find..
i dunno how im going to do this...
its hards and its killing me..."

i feel wanna cry everyday...
leaving all the blues feeling with my tears...
and leave me here with a smile...
i just need HAPPY in my life now..
im tired of anger, hurt & tears...

Can u feel what i feel rite now??
im drowning...
and im forcing this tears to stop there..
coz i know i wont stop till i really sure that im ok..

why life so complicated...??
huh..! im tired with all this...

so dearest reader...
sorry if this is my last entry...
will comeback soon..
when??..
maybe its when i really can change myself..
when i really can tell & share everyone how i feel rather than writing here...
maybe tommorow , next week , next month or next years..
nobody knows...
hopefully God is with me...
Coz im scared that i'll fell down and nobody there to help me..
Dun wori..i'll always following all your words here..
coz i cant live without others words...
A words that makes me thinking and knowing people without seeing ur face..

So..cheers up everyone!!.
Makes your day as wonderfull with ur new experience..
coz thats the only one things that makes our life more meaningful and precious...

Hubby,
I love u damn much...
sorry if im too much...
i just dunno what to do..im blank..
Thanks for everything..i appreciate it so much..
Maybe im not that good..
but i'll try the best i can be...
Firstly, Sorry...if it not like what you wish..
i cant pretend to be like that..
so everything you see & hear from me after this is the best i can do..
i just need an understanding...
I love u so much..thats the fact..

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

~ Fighting with Myself ~

"im listening to Christian Bautista's songs now..
and He is the only one in my mind now..
its just yesterday havent met him and now im missing him this much..
last nite conversation still spinning around my head...
silly me...haizz...so childish...Rain2...please change!!"

The Argument : ~

simple things become complicated and its all your fault Rain..
so sensitive...haizz..
bodoh ni...why la thinking negative that fast...
positive..! positive..! positive..!
look...u the one feel the pain kan Rain...silly!!
lain kali fikir before talk lar...always like this..
u always say u dont want to burdening him..
but now?? see what have u done last nite..
even he didnt say anything..
bt, i know misti dia sakit ati tu gara2 layan perangai ko semalam...
sa tau ko geram sama dia..tapi jan la bah tunjuk sangat...
tidak ble ka mengalah sekejap bukan hal besar pun...
dia cuma tidak dapat join mah...kan next time masih ada lagi..
jan terusan befikiran negatif..coz, its only makes you feel more hurt..
sepa susah???..diri sendiri juga kan...
u have to thinking of his feels too...
ingat senang ka tu if ada d tangah2 keadaan..
huh!!!...ko bilang tia mo paksa dia..
tapi dari cara ko cakap its seem you want him to do what you want...
camna la ni if berterusan cam gini...
cant help u anymore if u didnt want to change..
p/s : ~ This is the only one ways for me to cool down.. ~ Fighting with myself!! ~


.. DILEMA..

sa geram...!!! tetau sama dia or sama diri sendiri...
tapi yang pasti hati sa sakit saat ini...
i pretend again!! haizzz!!!...
geram sebab pa yg sa harap tidak kesampaian...
dalam kepala cuma hal ni saja...
mungkin bagi dia 'NEXT TIME' masih ada...
tapi bagi saya itu satu hal yg belum pasti...
he dont know what would happen tommorow...
and i dont know when ' NEXT TIME' will appear again...
Hurmmm...! biarla..

' SAYA BELUM BERSEDIA' - this words keep spinning in my mind...
so many negative thoughts come..and im fighting with the positive one...
tetau kenapa ayat ni tetiba menusuk tul ni hati...its hurt...really hurt..
feel wanna cry..bnyk ni persoalan dlm kepala...

i really2 hope i 'll get something tht makes me smile when i told him this..
becoz i already plan to brings him to meet my family on this wedding day ..
but pa ble buat he have another plan too..on that day...
maybe next time...sa cuba pujuk ati sebenarnya..tapi...huh!! tetau napa sakit ni ati..
i really hope dia akan choose sa 1st then bru kawan2 dia...
walaupun dia cakap ' Tgk lu keputusan si Luke' but still i feels this so strong that
he will not join me...biar la..give him time until he really2 ready to meet my family..
like i do to his family...huh!! maybe sa manja sgt thts y i cant accept this things..
Coz..i already plan this for quite long time..since i says HE IS THE ONE..

HURMMM!! biar la...walaupun sa mengharap sangat tapi sa tetap terima if he choose to be with his
friends that day... i wont forcing him...walaupun nanti he says he want to follow me still i would says NO..becoz i know how its feel when we're in DILEMA... x ikhlas nanti dia that day..if he join me la.. ermm..hopefully luke's application is approved...if not means LABUAN is just a dream..:)
hurmm...biar la.. Next day still have for mr to go there..

Ermmm...biar la tu...Forget it Rain...hal remeh jan ka c jadi complicated..
hopefully 'NEXT TIME' will still have for us...
when?? dunno yet...maybe tommorow..next week..next month or next year..
No body Knows...Only God know..coz he is the one who plan our life...
God, Good Bless Us... Amen!!!


P/S : lega skit ni hati walaupun sebenarnya its hurt a lot...
i wont Forcing coz i dont like it too...


Friday, January 14, 2011

.. The Past..

i wake up early today...
i reach office more early than yesterday...
i taking bath early tooo..
i wonder why im doing something more early today..
but i havent taking my dinner yet..huhuh...

ari ni sampai kat opis kira awal lar..even i late 15mins...ok lar dari yang kelmarin2..selalu sampai opis dah nak dekat jm9..hee...bukan apa..cuma malas nak bangun tidur..selalu salah kan jammed if kena tanya pasal ape lambat sampai..hee...tp memang betul pun...:)

tadi petang sampai jak dari opis i terus tukar baju, ambik towel and mandi...heran..hee...
tak penah2 buat sebelum ni...selalu jm 8 to 9pm baru dok rajin nak pi mandi..tu pun dalam keadaan rela -paksa..hahahhah! siap mandi trus terlanding depan my lappy...hee..
actually nak p masak lepas mandi tu tapi tunang adik i da volunteer so bagi dia masak lar..hee
dalam hati senang la juga..coz memang i malas nak masak pun ari ni...

first benda yg i buat depan pc adalah mengecek email2, spam2 and pa2 la tuk gmail & yahoo i..
1450msg in Gmail????.. huh! maknanya nak kena delete satu2 la...haizz..such a boring things to do...pa ble buat..terpaksa...
sambil2 baca balik msg2 taun2 lepas yg masih belum terdelete..hee...i smile..hahha! lucu..!
tetiba kenangan lalu mengintai kembali...biarla..benda lepas jangan di kenang..
kenangan yg bakal d cipta tahun ini yg perlu di ingat...yeahhh!!!

Emm..saya merindui Dia...mesti main DOTA lg tu dia..biarla..i feel hungry actually...
lambat ooo derang masak..( Pa kaitan ni...whatever!! )
I Miss Him..huhuhu..!!dapat ka i dating sma Dia ni besok??..huh! arap2 la dapat...miss Him like crazy da ni..God, harap2 miracle ada besok..hee..! Amen..

emm..k la..enough tuk ari ni...dinner i dah siap..nak gi mamam lu k...see u next day!!

MUAXXXXX!!! for you Si Hubby... - LOVE U FOREVER..!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

..The Feels..

emm...tia ble tidur...huhuhu..always ending it with blog..
i wish to hold his hand everyday..hee...
tapi everytime kami kuar tia pula terpegang..
buat cam most couples...holding hands while walking...
i feel cam romantic nie..hee
tapi cam rimas pula..hahhaha! susah mo jalan..biarla...
i will do it someday..:)

just finished talking wit him on phone..tapi ndak puas..biarla..dia ngantok..
and i miss him damn much already...huhuhu..
me?? tadi ngantok tp now fresh pula..hee
lgpun lama da tia update blog..

i been with his family for 2 time..1st time on new year and the latest is last week..
i enjoy..neves still ada...itu misti...wish that everything in control..
walaupun smtimes rasa janggal & segan..tp still i like staying around them..
sporting..! and i like it...hee..
i start ody knowing half of his family..but i has'nt let him know mine yet..
dunno how to start...how im going to tell mum about this..
should i said " Ma, sa ada boyfriend suda"..sound funny...
i know mum know little bit ody.. she mybe knew it from my sisters & aunties..
but i feel wanna tell her by myself... but the problem now is i just dunno hw to begin..
hahhaha...Gila kan..im afraid to tell Her...

Ni la ni masalah dia if jarang sharing..sa mengaku yg sa x berapa rapat dengan mum..
dari kecil mmg cam ni..hee..sometimes i wish i can be someone else..
yg ble bercerita apa saja wit her mum..
and i wish i can tell her about him as soon as possible..
why?? becoz im serious with this Guy..and i wont let him go..
im addicted every part of him..every words..but the smile is the one that kiling me..
I love it..the way he walk..the way he tell me something..his noisy sound..hahha..!
im gonna miss it all!!!

Suddenly THE PLAN appear again..haizz..! scared , unpatient , happy , worried.. - all in 1..
i really hoping its happen...sooner or later he will be mine..Forever n Ever..hee..
God Bless Us..!


P/S : Im missing u already En. Ronald...lambat tul tu masa oo...







Monday, January 3, 2011

.. New Year Thoughts ..


" HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011"
- Terima Kasih Tuhan kerna saya masih lagi di beri kesempatan untuk tinggal di Dunia ini..bernafas dan bersama2 dengan orang2 yang saya cintai.. -

rasa2 macam da setahun tak update..haa..padahal baru beberapa hari je..
New Year..New Day..New Life & New Hope..
4 perkataan yang kerap kali muncul dalam kepala..

Maknanya usia bertambah setahun lagi..pengalaman hidup juga semakin bertambah..dan untuk pertama kali nya saya terfikir tentang kehidupan saya selepas ini...kebahagiaan juga matlamat hidup...terfikir untuk menamatkan cara hidup saya sebelum ini.. dalam menuju usia matang (26 thn tu dah kira matang ke?? ) ada satu benda yg mengusik hati nurani saya.. benda yang selama ini saya simpan dan elak.. kekadang rasa diri macam lucu..hahha..! tapi yang pasti hal ini semakin kuat berpaut pada luluh hati...OMG!! i think im getting matured already..hahahhah!

Tapi pada masa yang sama ketakutan itu mendahului segalanya..mengatasi segala keberanian yang selama ini saya pegang berabis...takut jika semua angan2 saya hancur dan pergi begitu sahaja..kerna sudah saya tetapkan angan2 ini adalah yang terakhir..biar macam mana sekali pun susah saya akan tetap berusaha..itu janji saya pada saat 2011 melabuh kan tirainya...

Orang2 sekitar asyik meluahkan azam2 baru mereka padahal benda itu sudah mereka jadi kan azam tahun lepas..saya juga begitu tahun2 lepas cuma pada tahun ini saya hanya ingin jadi diri saya yang sebenarnya..saya penat jadi hipokrit, Ego & Sombong pada diri sendiri...biar la pada tahun ini saya biarkan MASA membantu saya..bukan malas cuma saya penat untuk jadi seperti orang lain...

Huh..! titik airmata pertama untuk 2011 mengalir lagi.. yang pastinya saya rasa takut sangat..! kamu pasti tau apa yang saya maksudkan..saya takut kehilangan Si Dia...sejujurnya, Dia mempengaruhi 80% mood saya tahun ini...dan kalau boleh saya tidak mau kehilangan walau 1% pun.. Dia saya sudah kunci dengan kuat dalam hati...kalau pun nanti saya terpaksa buka balik biarla pada saat itu hati saya 100% rela..kerna saya tahu selepas ini hati saya akan jadi macam mana..

Memang susah mo percaya kalau saya bilang ' Saya mahu dia jadi sebahagian dari hidup saya selamanya ' - i want him to be the first one i saw every morning and the last one every nite...
saya mau dia jadi orang pertama yang saya bisa kongsi segala kesedihan dan kegembiraan saya... because i miss the way he talk to me... Honestly, i miss his Voice.. Everything lar..!!

i welcoming the New Year with Him..do you know how i feel?? im really2 happy..macam tia mo balik jak time tu..kalau boleh mau stay trus dengan dia.. i miss the 2 days together with him and his family..


Hubby,

As u know you're the most priority in my heart now..

i hope u know that..

no one can change the fact that im in love with you..

i accept all yours as the new years come..

im trully hoping that theres a miracle for us this years..

more happiness and love..

more patient and caring..

but the most things that i wish is i hope there is more trust between us..

i dont know what bothering you most but i do hope that its won't distrub us..

you're everything in my life now..

the most important 'THINGS' i wanna have..


Hubby,

im afraid to says ' YOU'RE MINE '

but i wish that you are tottaly mine..

i dunno how to express my feels actually..

but to tell you the truth that IM TRULLY IN LOVE WIT U!!

i know i already told you dis b4..

I LOVE U DAMN MUCH!!

no one can change you in me now..

i just hope something precious happen to my life this years...! thats what keep pop-in my mind..
i will do everything..sacrifice what i have even i have to cry a lot..i dont care anymore coz im serious this time..


God,

i let all my dreams to you..

help me this time..

i need an extra strenght so i can fight any bad things that distrub my plan..

i Love him and want him to be mine..

i need your help on that...

Thanks again for everything that you've plan for my life..

im happy and really thankful..

enough for today!! will update later..2011 will be mo challenging for me..and i will share it here..
everything..! the happy and sad moments..the laughter and the tears.. the smile and the hope..
and the most important is the LOVE and the DREAMS..


P/S : i miss u Hubby.. im thinking of you from the first entry till the end of this post..every moment is YOU!!..